Outside In

   It's that time of year again!  No not to celebrate a holiday or get ready for a new season, but to take a good look at the old waistline and realize that it is literally starting to speak to me again.

    I have braved this battle my entire life; wondering why I got that special gene that doesn't allow you to fit into your pants, why the armed forces don't use excercise instead of water-boarding, and who the genius was that decided that because I'm 5'10" that I should weigh the same as a teenage boy.

    I've often laughed off my size because it has never inhibited me from doing what I wanted to do. Although on the inside I felt as obvious as a balloon at the Thanksgiving Day parade, I had friends, family, and a very loving man who told me that I was lovely and beautiful. I was able to play athletics and felt powerful by my size and height. I was married and was able to conceive easily, giving birth to four beautiful babies that were all born big and healthy.

    I realized that I was finally happy with who I had become inside; then looked in the mirror. My athletic, busty body had fallen about 6 inches south and I was told that it was never coming back up. Last year I weighed the most I ever had in June, even more than when I was pregnant with my kids, and I was devastated. I went on a diet and lost 35lbs in three and a half months. I was working out again, feeling better about myself, confident that I could play outside with my kids without embarrassing myself. A few things in life came about and I stopped paying super close attention. We quit the gym for financial reasons, but I was doing ok still. Not gaining, but no losing either.

When the holidays hit. 

From Thanksgiving to the end of January I gained back 15lbs, which isn't so bad that I have to slit my wrists, but it definitely isn't the direction I want to go.  So we are back into dieting life style changing.

 I wonder if it (I) can succeed, the umpteenth time I have tried. What I'm really afraid of is what it will actually take for me to understand that taking care of myself is important. I realized the other day that I'm not sure what I would do if I ever became truly thin. I've never been that person. Would I still be the same?  Or am I afraid that it will change this person on the inside that I'm finally comfortable with?  Is that why I sabotage myself every time?  I'm finally at the point where I love to play with my kids, have great sex special time with my husband, and am excited to live my life everyday (or at least as much as you can living with your parents and having four children under the age of eight.)

So once again I find that my insides don't match my outsides. And underneath it ALL, part of me is still ok with that.