Outside In

   It's that time of year again!  No not to celebrate a holiday or get ready for a new season, but to take a good look at the old waistline and realize that it is literally starting to speak to me again.

    I have braved this battle my entire life; wondering why I got that special gene that doesn't allow you to fit into your pants, why the armed forces don't use excercise instead of water-boarding, and who the genius was that decided that because I'm 5'10" that I should weigh the same as a teenage boy.

    I've often laughed off my size because it has never inhibited me from doing what I wanted to do. Although on the inside I felt as obvious as a balloon at the Thanksgiving Day parade, I had friends, family, and a very loving man who told me that I was lovely and beautiful. I was able to play athletics and felt powerful by my size and height. I was married and was able to conceive easily, giving birth to four beautiful babies that were all born big and healthy.

    I realized that I was finally happy with who I had become inside; then looked in the mirror. My athletic, busty body had fallen about 6 inches south and I was told that it was never coming back up. Last year I weighed the most I ever had in June, even more than when I was pregnant with my kids, and I was devastated. I went on a diet and lost 35lbs in three and a half months. I was working out again, feeling better about myself, confident that I could play outside with my kids without embarrassing myself. A few things in life came about and I stopped paying super close attention. We quit the gym for financial reasons, but I was doing ok still. Not gaining, but no losing either.

When the holidays hit. 

From Thanksgiving to the end of January I gained back 15lbs, which isn't so bad that I have to slit my wrists, but it definitely isn't the direction I want to go.  So we are back into dieting life style changing.

 I wonder if it (I) can succeed, the umpteenth time I have tried. What I'm really afraid of is what it will actually take for me to understand that taking care of myself is important. I realized the other day that I'm not sure what I would do if I ever became truly thin. I've never been that person. Would I still be the same?  Or am I afraid that it will change this person on the inside that I'm finally comfortable with?  Is that why I sabotage myself every time?  I'm finally at the point where I love to play with my kids, have great sex special time with my husband, and am excited to live my life everyday (or at least as much as you can living with your parents and having four children under the age of eight.)

So once again I find that my insides don't match my outsides. And underneath it ALL, part of me is still ok with that.

Poor Aubree

Bree had a cold go into her eye and it swelled shut a few weeks back. The poor thing looks like a boxer after a fight.  

(You should see the other guy!)

At least she was still in good spirits!

Strep Throat, Ear infections, Coughing, Oh my!

   Let me just preface this with, I HATE JANUARY.  Hate it. There is always a holiday let down as you take down the Christmas decorations and eat all I mean throw away all the goodies that are left over. 
  The valley fog sets in and makes me feel like I'm inside a snow globe with no way of escaping. It makes me feel claustrophobic and want to claw my way out. 
  Then there is always the sickness. Every year for some reason we get sick in January. This year is no different. We went the rounds with strep throat, with some having to take two doses of antibiotics to get rid of it, ear infections set in, and then the dry cough that comes with pumping the heaters inside the house and car came.  
    Even now we are still trying to overcome that January fog that has settled and lingers throughout my bones. Therefore there are no cute pictures, no fun outings, just lots of movies, hot chocolate, and many many pajama days. 
   At least my kids are still little enough that they loved to cuddle with their mom. Ok. So there is that... 

Ben's first drawing

I was so proud of Ben!  This is his very first "real" drawing, and it's of ME!  Can't you tell?  I'm ice skating. I think I've never looked better!

Advice

"I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen - patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn't appear instantly or without effort.                                                                                                                                There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can - working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hears are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring: it is enduring well!"  - President Uchtdorf

New Year's Resolutions

2010 The Good, The Bad, And Everything in Between

Reflections on 2010

    This year has brought ups and downs like any year. Brent and I find ourselves still living with my mom and dad; not where we wanted to be. But we are doing what we entended to do; paying off the mounting debt that we had, and although it is still an upward hill we are still climbing it slowly but steadily. 

     This process has brought my husband and I closer, made our kids more aware of money and what things cost, and have made all of us realize that what is most important are the memories that we make together as a family. This is what I remember about this year as I look back through my blog; all of the memories we have made together. I'm proud of my kids and my husband.  I'm glad they are growing up strong and healthy, smart and beautiful. Each of them are a blessing in my life like no other and right now I realize how precious they are.